The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Season 9, Episode 1, Wives and Misdemeanors
A new season of Jersey Housewives, and we will never have to hear a word about cake drama ever again! This is already a good start, since Scam Life Coach Siggy is out. We have two new wives, and something is going on with Teresa and Melissa again. Time for new Jersey!Teresa makes breakfast for the girls. Giacinto helps out, but burns the bacon. Milania now has green tips on her hair and Lady Gaga nails, and Gia is now seventeen.
Margaret’s house still needs to be renovated, and Margaret also wants renovations on her face. Joe thinks she does not need it, and that has made her delay getting surgery.
Dolores FaceTimes with Frank. Frank has been disbarred, and is spending more time traveling, and not at home. Frankie never calls, or comes over. Dolores says being alone like this is the most “eviscerating” feeling she has had in a long time.
Melissa is planning her 39th birthday party, and she is having issues almost being forty. She tells us she is excited to have everyone at her birthday party, but is afraid something will happen with the ladies. She has invited Danielle, despite her issues with some of the other women.
Teresa has entered into a bikini fitness competition to do something for herself, and is in training. She says it is hard for her to do this, and take care of four children.
Teresa tells her trainer that she told Joe she wanted to do this, but he did not approve. She says he is not around right now, so she is doing what she wants.
Her trainer asks if she has told Joe, and Teresa says she has not. The trainer also tells Teresa she will be on stage in five inch heels, and a thong, which Teresa worries about. She notes her children will probably be embarrassed. I am sure Gia alone will be mortified, yet proud at the same time.
Marge Sr. is getting vaginal rejuvenation, and Margaret comes along for moral support. Margaret tells her mother is single, and should be able to do whatever she wants.
Marge Sr. wants to get a facelift as well. Margaret tells us she will see what happens with her mother’s results before she gets one.
Dolores and Frank check out a house they are flipping. Dolores is worried about their financial situation since Frank has been disbarred. The gyms are doing fine, but she feels that is not enough. Dolores makes Frank promise he will be up front and transparent about everything going on with the house construction. Dolores tells Frank to not keep secrets from her, like when he got disbarred, and did not tell her. Frank asks if it is really necessary to bring that up when they are looking at the house, and Dolores says yes. Dolores tells us traditional Italian wives do not get into their husband’s business like this when it comes to financial aspects of a marriage, but she feels like she has to do this. I would say that is more than fair after your pseudo-spouse keeps important information from you.
Margaret and Joe have Melissa and her Joe over for dinner. They talk about Danielle’s upcoming wedding.
Melissa asks Margaret how their businesses are going. Margaret’s pajama line is coming out soon. Marlenie, Margaret’s amazing housekeeper sings a little for them, and dances with Melissa.
The topic of Dolores comes up. Margaret says she has seen a lot of her lately, they have been cordial. They both worry about what will happen with Danielle and Dolores at Melissa’s party.
Dolores and Teresa have lunch. Dolores tells Teresa she will order whatever she orders to support her fitness goals. Teresa tells her not to bother, because she has her own food. She ends up getting a plain salad, and takes out her carrots because she have too much sugar in them. Dolores gets the octopus. Teresa cannot drink either!
Teresa says she wants to splurge at Danielle’s wedding and drink.
Teresa tells Dolores, Danielle told her Frank was disbarred, and this upsets Dolores. Dolores tells Teresa to tell Danielle to shut her mouth, and calls her a “wackadoo” among other things. Wackadoo.
It is the day of Melissa’s party, and everyone is prepping.
Margaret will be bringing her friend Jackie, one of the newest Housewives to join the cast.
Dolores tells Frank Danielle will be at the party. Frank tells her to do what she has to do, he has her back, but to please just let him finish his dinner first.
Party time! Jackie arrives, and Melissa introduces her to the group. Their topic of conversation is of course, Marge Sr.’s vaginal rejuvenation. How much do you love this woman?
Joe gets Teresa to drink, but she only has a sip!
Jennifer, our other new Housewife is at the party.
Jennifer tells her love story. She is from Turkey, and had an arranged marriage, but met her husband. They went on a chaperoned date, and the rest is history.
Frank gets to eat, and has some bacon-wrapped scallops. Hopefully he had other nibbles as well.
Melissa, Jackie, and Dolores talk. Melissa tells Dolores she hopes she does not have to talk with Danielle at the party.
Danielle arrives. Dolores is ready to go off, assuming Danielle will say something nasty to her, or Danielle-level nasty. I wish Dolores was wrong, I really do.
All the women tense up when Danielle makes her rounds, all afraid something will happen with her and Dolores.
Dolores tries to ignore Danielle’s presence.
Margaret and Dolores talk, and Dolores invites her to a hatchet throwing event. How many events are planned for the season on the first episode?
Melissa is in full birthday party mode, making Teresa pick her up, and telling Joe she is a success. Her glittery three-tiered cake comes out, Someone must have spent a lot of time baking and decorating it. It is a very special cake.
Melissa asks everyone who wants to throw some cake. Cake is thrown, Joe gets it all over his face. Cake ends up everywhere, this is how Melissa does birthday cake.
Success! Cake throwing and Dolores and Danielle did not get in a fight at the party!
What did we learn this week – Hooray for Dolores and Danielle not fighting at the party, but they will have their furious moment at some point this season.
I love Marge Sr., and I hope we see more of her this season.
-Aoife, TV Maven